so i find myself in a bit of a funk today its my youngest sons birthday and yesterday was the day my grandma lily passed away in 1998 AND on the 26th will be my 2nd sons birthday…. im a mess but i always am at this time of year i miss my babies more then words can say and with everyday that goes by a little more of me dies inside im not going to go too into the history with my kids there are other posts that tell that story and i am so not trying to have a full out meltdown i have way too many things that i am trying to focus on and get done like ive been writing every day i really want to publish my story as well as some short stories but 1st i want to get my life story printed and send it out into the world while i slowly work at that and doing everything i can to put together a savings for that i made the choice to take my other main passion to the next level i have always opened my home and heart to animals who need underdstanding compassion and a chance when i was younger it was mostly stray cats either i would take them home or i would go and take food and leave it along with bedding and whatever else was needed some i would keep others if and when the right home opportunity came up i would adopt out then there was nikko my 1st dog i was 13 and one day at the park my little brother and i heard a dog cry then yelling and laughing of kids we went over to by where to get a better look at what was going on and my heart broke there just below us in the water were these punk ass kids they look to be around my brothers age so im guessing between the ages of 9 and 11 they were kicking this poor little dog and one boy even tried to hold him under the water as i went to inform my brother that id be right back he was already 2 steps in front of me “lapa!” i yelled but he didnt hear me the next i heard was ” ay foo what the fuck are doing to my dog” before any of them could say a word my brother jumped on the boy who had tried to hold the dog under water and kick the shit out of him by this time i was already down were they were so the other boys could have jumped in if they wanted to being older i wasnt about to beat no littke kid up though i wished i was the same age that day so i could have but instead i went over a grabed the rope the poor thing was choking on from it being tied to him i losened it and yelled for my brother to come on we took nikko home he was a bit jumpy but i mean can you blame him? he was glad to be away from the evil shit heads im sure but to him we were just more people and he had no reason to trust people after what he went through it tool some time but after a lot of love and redirection we were able to earn his trust i remeber the 1st time i woke up to him on the foot of my bed i didnt even get to show him how happy i was cause as soon as i moved he jumped off barking and growling so i just told him to shhh and i went back to sleep poor guy i really did feel bad for him how could a human do such things to an innocent animal and why? as time passed nikko and i became close really close when i took him for walks i didnt need to use a leash he was a really good dog and his tail oh man ill just say that it took a min but once it started to wag it never stoped i didnt know anything about shots or vet stuff so one night when my mom said that i needed to make sure to get his shots if i planned on keeping him and that it would be good to do it either way if i kept him or not so i looked into it and called around by the end of my research i was so stressed out i was so scared for him i didnt want him to get sick so i planned to take him the following week but not even a few days later he got sick really sick and fast i was outside of myself i didnt know what was wrong or what to do i called every vet in the phone book and they all thought it sounded like parvo he was puking and shiting up water and blood i took him over to my cousind so that he wouldnt get my moms dog sick i sat with him in the shed all night holding him like a baby he was a baby he was my baby at about 3 am he woke up and strugged to get down he went to a coner and lifted his tail and once again let out a red river but this time he didnt come back over to me this time he went to the other far end conner and fell down i went to sit with him i didnt want him to go through whatever it was alone but nikki didnt want to sit with me anymore he crawled away from i dont like to be around anyone when im sick i gave him his space i sat back in the chair and while watching him fell asleep at 10 am i woke to him coking that was it i had to get him to a vet i wrapped him in a blanket and went to lay him down in he living room so i could flag down a ride but he started to julck and his eyes rolled back “nooooo nikki no come papa your ok hold on wer going to the doctor” i cryed so hard i coud barely see him i needed to get a ride but didnt want to leave him alone i yelled “help me ” and by the grace of god a rv pulled over in front of the house and a lady yelled back” hello you alright?” after a short scoop she helped me get him into the rv but he let out a heavy exhale and then stoped breathing i was fucking losing it i lost my best friend in a matter of days and never saw it coming as i held his body tears flowing down my face out o nowhere he gasped and my heart skiped a beat “”NIKKO” he was weak but he lifted his little head and gentaly licked my check he stared in my eyes for a short but intenecse moment before he died it was like he had to make sure to say goodbye goodbye and thank you i love you nikki rip and i didnt think to say it at the time but it is me that owes you a thank you you gave my life love reason meaning and spark ill never forget you and i only wish i could have done more for you.

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