so this love?

a few days ago i made the choice to be single and to give myself all my focus i have so much i want to do and no one ever knows how long they will have but all the time in the world just never seems to be enough i want to learn all there is to learn i want to see for myself i want to travel and i want to do something good for the world that i will be remebered for i want to be someone that my loved ones can be proud of and look to for advice and i cant do any of it if im stuck fighting and being depressed all the time i love pat i love him so much he is my 1st love but we both have changed so much over the years so much has happened and its like no matter what we cant seem to fix it the only thing i can think of is to take a step back and work on myself so that i can be the partner i want to have so that i can know how to be a queen to her king but im scared i dont want to lose him in the prosess and im scared that he will forget me everytime i think about it i can feel a stabbing at my heart. before i met him i was a walking zombie i was a broken and lost little girl trying to find releif from my pain attemping to take back my control when it came to my body as child i didnt have a voice he didnt hear me when i said no and she didnt hear me when i cried for help not that she would allow my words to undo all she worked to get the money house cars and gifts that the mexican showed my mother with she gaurded with her life. the only escape that was avalible to me was to zone out and go to my happy place like my grammy had tought me as a little baby.

desperate to find a way to make him leave me alone i would do all i could to be unwantable i would play at school and get dirty then not take a bath when i got home which also gave him one less oportunity to hurt me and as this bad defense kind of got locked on stuck up untill i was safe in a group home . at 13 i had a brief moment where i was back under my mothers roof she was no longer with the mexican but her life was no where near fit to include kids.

my mother also had a habit of releasing her bottled up pain on me and as i got older and the anger grew i came to a point by mistake when i stopped taking her shit. it started with a simple push at the time i was just trying to break away so that i could run for cover but when she droped to the floor to give a show of fake fear i took that even though i knew it was bull and i used it i didnt care that it wasnt real i let myself feel like the power was and thats when i started fighting back. now i want to say that i am not proud of the fact that i have put hands on the one who gave me birth but that is all she gave me and im still to this day not sure that i am all that greatful for that fact i dont promote kids disrespecting parents and i grew up in a family where we got our butts whooped but please trust me when i say that my mother took it to a new level she didnt just take a belt to my back side but to my whole body she would whip me till i bled and then put me in a cold shower she broke bones for being 5 mins late from school and has poured boiling water on me for using her shoes when playing dress up. its funny none of that even if added up all together could win 1st place in her cruelity it was her words that had so much power over me. her not being there was what really got me all i ever wanted was her i think i say that because before my grandma died my mother was one of the last people i wanted but when grandma died and with my father going on the run she was all i had left of my old life

sorry i know i that i totally got hung up on that but its important because the truth is that my mother was my 1st heartbreak and ending up being where i got my idea of what love was. when i grew up i played it safe by not allowing anyone in and by keeping a chain and lock on my heart if no one could get to my heart then no one could break it right? i lost sight of the fact that my heart was broken before i locked it away and by ignoring the issues i didnt work through them or heal.

i was 23 when i got with pat and met him in the middle of a really hard time life was too much and i was ready to end it since i couldnt seem to end my pain he was my friendi felt comfortable with him and safe his dad and him took me in and allowed me to catch my breath to get my head right and i can never reppay them, but over the years things have changed pops past away and i feel like pat did to at least the old him did he is no longer the man i fell in love with he is no longer my safe place i use to run to or look for him when i got scared and now its like he is the what i am running from most of the time my mother beat me like i was some strange women off the streets she made me pay for all her pain from everyone who had ever hurt her and she did it from day one looking back its like what you see in bad movies and now i have allow pat to carry it on. to on the outside looking in its a no brainer but being in it its like im stuck and always trying to do and be better so that i wont make him do the things he has done just like with her i blame myself and jst like with her im on the hunt to find what is needed to fix him but i cant fix him i can only and need to only try to fix myself maybe if i can fix me i will be able to find out what love really is im scared and i want ot crawl into a hole and hind but that wont fix anything it wont fix me and it wont help me get to where i want to be

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