ash to ash

i like to stay busy working out writing crafts gardening walking whatever i do eveything and everything to keep my mind from returning to the current moment as long as i dont think about me and my life i can manage to get through another day. as long as i keep busy i can forget that i am broken and that my life is shattered but there are only so many hours in a day and a human body can only do so much before it shuts down for a rest and unless i am so brunt out from staying busy to the point that my body is the one that chooses to shut down and i pretty much black out then i struggle in my sleep as well sleep is only safe when i dont dream because dreams are just my souls most out of reach desires

pats in jail with more charges and i am on a crunch time to move this big ass trailer to i dont know where with no tags no paper work no truck no pat we had our problems but he was a great provider and he always took care of these kinds of things im at a fucking lost george is well lets see not on the same page as me i thought he felt like i do but he doesnt he just wants to fuck me he will never want to be with me not in the same way i want to be with him and i dont blame him i mean i have nothing to offer him shit i have nothing to offer anyone not even myself …

if there was ever a time when i wish i had gotten hit by that car right its now death seems to be the only out of this hell but then i think of bella and the cats and i cant leave them alone but man this is getting too hard and i am ready to break i really dont even know what is keeping me afloat i feel so alone and like my life is a wonderless wonderland that i cant find an exit in this is not how i want my life to be

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