there were times in the past that i thought and really beleaved that i was at my bottom , there was a pain each time that was always worse then the last and every time i wasnt able to see a light at the end of the tunnle but here i am today years later after most of those times and again i feel like this is my BOTTOM and again there is a pain unlike any other but this time i can see a tiny hint of light way way way way way down at what seems to be miles and miles away but its there and the point worth pointing out is that i can see it and know what it is.
its been a little over a month now since pat left and my nights are still hard and lonley but my days are getting better each one is a little bit more easy to take on and get through. i havent gotten it all shorted out but its a prosses and im chiping away at it bit by bit i know the what whos and some of the whens and whys but those last two are so deep and arent simply black and white but im working on letting go and putting my energy into what i do know and what i can work on to fix which is me and my end of things wither that be for me alone or with pat or someone else or whatever i have the power to fix me and me alone .
its not easy but i guess nothing that is worth something ever is if it were then there would not be reason to be proud out the results or outcome yet i find myself going back and forth with the idea of it being my understanding that pride is a sin from what i have gone through pride has always done nothing but cost me and fuck shit up for me in life so how does that work or fit?
ive said it before and ill say it again and again the worse gift god gave us is free will at least for people like me there always so many choices and it gets too much for me at times no wait all the time fuck i wish it could be simple i wish there were only left or right but no theres got to be up down forward and backwards as well fml