ummmmmmmmm

god i wish i could just master this whole LOVE thing already and that i would stop setting myself up to get fucked i get so caught up in the moment and i just get my heart so set on earning a persons love or acceptance that i give all i can i mean if it were a cartoon i would end up like taking off my clothes and body parts to give them away ha no but something like that ah you know what i so just suddenly didnt want to post about this bs lol but instead of starting all over i am just going to keep going and see where i end up … so i was able to talk to a friend about posibly moving into his house and renting a room from him i think it would be cool we get alone great and bella and his dog do to its in a beautiful area and the house is amazing also there is a whole fenced in yard that bella can run free in and i can garden and make up PLUS we have made a pack to get clean and start working out! i mean for like reals a home and not home gym yeeee boy

omg i mean this is huge it a chance to get out of this trailer and to be in a house and get my shit together plus he lives alone and needs help hes cool and not creepy and id be renting a room so its all fucking perfect this is it i can kind of feel it like this just might be my ticket out of this hell life its not like im in a 3rd world bubble but i am stuck in place i am frozen and i want more i want a life a real life and i want to grow i cant keep waiting for george or pat to come and give me the life of my dreams because thats never going to happen BUT i can get off my ass on my feet and out of my comfrot zone and make it myself i can give myself what i want and what i deserve and ill fucking be so proud of myself i was left in the cold and dark alone and i cant change that even if pat were to show up right now and ask for us to try again it wouldnt change anything and i dont think i could move pass this or over look what he did

and even if george happened to all of a sudden love and want me ill always know deep down what he can and will do and i know ill get hurt more and worse there is not any kind of a future with either of them and i have to accept that i dont know why i dont know what the reasons for meeting them just to not be able to have them are but there has to be one or some i mean right?

but im going to be 30 next year and i cant and dont want to waste any more time or energy on dead ends i deserve more and better and if i can get out of this trailer and start putting myself together i know i can and will have a life that i never knew was posible SOOOOOOO fingers crossed and wish me luck

i think thats it for now im tired and its an ice box inside this trailer and my hands are starting to cramp so ill end it now but thank you to my support i love you all and will be back before you know it blessid be

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