about and for my HIMS

i need to get right! i can see something now and it literally JUST learned it like a few sec ago and that is that i am a hot head short tempped person and i tend to jump the gun a lot and i tend to mess a lot of things up i dont mean to but and im mad at myseldf for it

like right now i have a man that loves me and who trys to get to know me the real me but i keep on shutting him out. i tend to jump the gun with it comes to thinking that he is being a jokester but i really think that he means what he says i think he might just be a little bit more like me in some ways like not being able to say whats on his mind like i do

or like no being too well with using communication all toghter ding dinng ding thats me again

wow babe if you ever do end up reading this i fucking love you so much and i am sorry for being a bitch im sorry for shuting down or shuting you out i am thankful for all you do and are to me i love you with all heart and i want you to know that im with you for the long hall

goal for the week well for the rest of it anyway is to NOT again NOT say anything rude talk back to or fight with my man

NO MATTER what to only reply with an okay babe or yes babe when he speaks to me and not make him feel disrespected or anything but loved

about and for my HIMS

i need to get right! i can see something now and it literally JUST learned it like a few sec ago and that is that i am a hot head short tempped person and i tend to jump the gun a lot and i tend to mess a lot of things up i dont mean to but and im mad at myseldf for it

like right now i have a man that loves me and who trys to get to know me the real me but i keep on shutting him out. i tend to jump the gun with it comes to thinking that he is being a jokester but i really think that he means what he says i think he might just be a little bit more like me in some ways like not being able to say whats on his mind like i do

or like no being too well with using communication all toghter ding dinng ding thats me again

wow babe if you ever do end up reading this i fucking love you so much and i am sorry for being a bitch im sorry for shuting down or shuting you out i am thankful for all you do and are to me i love you with all heart and i want you to know that im with you for the long hall

goal for the week well for the rest of it anyway is to NOT again NOT say anything rude talk back to or fight with my man

NO MATTER what to only reply with an okay babe or yes babe when he speaks to me and not make him feel disrespected or anything but loved

how would you deal with ….

having a sudden knowlage that pretty much everything you think that you know is not whatever it is you think that it is. can you imagne how a blow that big would feel? i think that is what i am feeling now i am in the middle of a very different kind of panic attact i have never felt any of this my chest is tight and cold my head a fizzy dizzy fog i cant breath enough and my insides burn i cant hear my heart beat so fucking clearly and it feels likes its going to shot right out of my skin

cry to creator

creator i come to you broken and weak i have fallen victim to a harsh demon and i cant seem to break away from it. i want to beat it i want to break free but it has its hooks in me deep. i ask that you walk with me and take this burden from me i know i that with you all is possible and i trust that with you i can over this and anything else i may face please dont allow me to fight this alone because without you in my life i am sure to fall

happy valentines

for the 1st time in my life i am blessed with a happy valentines day with a man that i am head over hills for who loves me back and shows it with every action and every word.

this year i am with someone who makes me feel wanted loved and valued and who brings light into my days.

this year i am getting to see what LOVE is truely

i love you babe and i hope that this is the 1st of the rest of our lives

living by the 4 aggreements

  • Make a list of recent incidents when you experienced conflict, anger, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, or other forms of emotional pain and suffering.
  • Do you believe that some, or possibly all, of this suffering was avoidable? If so, how could you have avoided it? If not, who or what was responsible for your suffering?
  • Can you imagine living your life without conflict, drama, and emotional suffering? If not, make a list of all the reasons why it’s necessary to suffer. Think of every good reason you can imagine.
  • Is it possible that you have become accustomed (or addicted) to suffering as a way of life?
  • Are you ready and willing to practice The Four Agreements, and choose happiness as your way of life? If not, why not?

anger is something i try to avoid allowing myself to feel because for many years i was overtaken by it and it keep me prisoner inside my own head there were countless sleepless nights and endless lost days time that i can never get back and i got to a point where i had had enough but i am only human so of course there are times that i get upset but today i deal with it in a way different way i do however face anxiety on a day to day base and that is something that i struggle with bad. i get anxiety from the most simpleset things like even just going out into public or if a stranger comes up and talks to me i just get over loaded and i feel like i want to hide my head in a hole in the ground .

i think i would be able to avoid anxiety more if i mastered the aggreement of not taking thing personaly that is what i need to work more at

a life without conflict drama or suffering is the life that i dream of it is what my main goal of life is in the time i have left here on this earth i want to master the 4 aggreements

i think it is possible to become addicted or at least use to the drama of conflict if it is all you know then thats all you know is out there

i am more then willing and ready to start living my life by the the 4 aggreements and i am so excited to see where my life goes from here

update

its now feb 2020 and the silence between pat and i has yet to break, i saw him once at a friends house and it brought on a mix of feelings but i was able to walk away with dry eyes, im in a relationship with a man who ive had a deep connection with for a very long time and i can say without a doubt that i love him and i am happy but that doesnt change or take away from the fact that i spent 7 years with pat and have not only a son but a deep rooted history with him.

a part of me wishes that we could be friends or if nothing more be civil but he wont hear of it and thats something that i must respect and it gives me a chance to NOT TAKE THINGS PERSONALY

i have no control over how anyone thinks or feels about me and its not my burden to carry no person should be lucky enough to have the power to control my moods or emotions and that includes pat

i have many things in my life that i am doing to better myself and i am excited to reach my goals

school starts soon and starting today i am going to working out again